pretend

i pretend to find solutions. i take apart the cpap machine that’s stopped working, it’s various parts scattered on my desk. “I don’t know what I’m doing?” a question to myself, to my dogs, to anyone who can hear me. both a question and a statement. i can’t fix it and i can’t put it back together again and i’m too old and impatient for youtube tutorials so now i have a collection of parts and nowhere to put them.

like the puzzle we started 2 weeks ago and the only parts left are the solid color blue and the only way to finish is brute force. the tedious work of trying a single piece over and over in all its various permeations, permutations, whatever the right word is. when i was young but still old enough to know better, i used to try and gnaw on puzzle pieces i was sure fit, they just needed a little adjustment. “this isn’t how you do things” my sister said. but this is what i saw adults dod everyday. using force of will to bend reality. to make things fit. it feels very american to force things. or to pretend. fake it. make it. use scissors or your teeth or your bootstrap, whatever that means.

i don’t know how to fix it. the pieces don’t go in the way i thought they would. this didn’t turn out how i wanted. i can change the story to sound like i was dealt a bad hand. swipe all the pieces into a box and put it in the basement and forget about it. that’s what basements are for. i tried. i was wrong and i got tired.