Our Father, Who Eats in Heaven

On mornings when I'm not going to the gym I've been managing to get my morning meditation in.  The only way I've been able to do this is not make it an absolute rule.  Absolutes are my nemesis right now.  My 'All or Nothing' personality is the root of a lot of my shit lately.

i finished the meditation and found this little guy sitting at the entrance to my closet looking at me.  jeff is in emeryville for a conference so he's been a bit more needy. i invited him in and he climbed into my lap. i picked a random journal to read a couple of passages which is part of the morning meditation ritual.  

it's amazing how small i tried to make myself.  how little space i tried to take up in the world.

i literally hid behind a potted plant of an office atrium.

i don't know how i managed to block so many of these memories from my current self.  

thank god for jessica.

it's raining again after two glorious days of sunshine.  it might be enough to carry me to the next sunny day without driving me into a pizza craving insanity. 

chai tea with bobby, puppies and raiding a fundraising bakesale at Jet Black this weekend helped. running into my favorite maria g. helped too. just enough goodness. just enough to refill the emptying stores to make it to the next day.

therapist

i'm on the hunt for a therapist.

food issues. body dysmporphia. orthorexia. intimacy issues. lack of coping skills.

i'm really good at looking like i have my shit together.

a lot of my close friends will tell you i have my shit together.

some will tell you i have a superiority complex.

at times that is true depending on the people and the situation.

i am hyper self aware.

i watch my dog bark, boof (the noise he makes when he's trying not to bark) and get all around upset when a delivery truck drives by or someone parks next door.  his freak out and anxiety is something i understand to an extent.

who are you???!!  why are you here to destroy everything i love?!!!

sometimes i'm worried i'll go to therapy and be sorely disappointed that i can't make everything perfect and that it doesn't work that way.  

i know it doesn't work that way but i can't help but want it to work that way. i've read enough pema chodron to know that things will fall apart over and over again.  but i want.  that's the problem. i want and i continue to try to fix everything, even things that aren't broken. 

there's the work i need to do i guess.

i have a bad habit of getting up in the morning and immediately check my work email and eventually get sucked down the rabbit hole before i'm really even cognizant that it's a new day.  it's a hard habit to break since i've been a work from home person for the past 3.5 years.  working from home is fantastic and great in more ways than it is bad. the only real problem is for someone like me who has work boundaries.

project management is a lot of problem solving and making things happen, keeping things moving towards the end goal.  i see where a lot of my issues come from.  my life isn't a project that has a concrete end goal.  there is nothing tangible at the end of this rainbow.  when your end goal is general wellbeing you can't project manage yourself to guaranteed happiness since emotions are so fickle and based on a litany of outside forces.

what i can do is discipline myself to do the things i know that make me feel better.  

i managed to wake up and walk into my little hideaway closet/cave and meditate before doing anything.

i even took some time to read some old journals i stash in the cave.  i often like looking back at the weird shit i used to do or write.  it gives me perspective on how much i've changed and grown.

i made breakfast, not just coffee. 

then i opened my laptop.

this helps.  doing this in the morning helps and while i have a part of my brain that is telling me that checking my work email first thing helps too i need to remember that doesn't really help anyone.  

i used to post shit like this to social media.  it's really obnoxious and i'm pretty unhappy that i used to think these stupid motivational whatevers were helpful.

as someone who grew up with this mentality that no one is here to help you and you have to do everything on your own because ultimately you are the captain of your own ship, blah, blah, blah...

it's really hard to undo this kind of mindset and let people help you.  

it's really hard to trust that people are on your side and want you to succeed.

it's difficult to navigate this world thinking you have to do everything by yourself.

trust me.  i learned this lesson when i tried to carry 100 cases of wine downstairs to the lobby of my office building by myself.

i got 10 cases to the elevator before i found myself sweating, standing in the office looking at the wall of wine thinking this would take me hours and no amount of working out had trained me enough to complete this daunting task by myself.

a co-worker saw me staring at the cases in my office and asked if i was ok.

"no. i physically can't do this."

"do what?"

"get all this downstairs."

"wtf?  no one can do this!"  she laughed. "we've got a dolly and extra hands.  jesus christ girl."

this was 7 years ago.  it took 10 of us and several dollies but we got it done in 15 minutes.

operating on the impression that the world owes you no favors and that you need to work for everything is helpful while you're learning how to be independent.  you definitely appreciate everything more. 

learning how to balance that out with a healthy dose of trust and the ability to ask for help when you need it is the key.

i've gotten to the point where i realize i can ask for help and not feel so paralyzed by it.

now i just need a therapist again to help me wade through this tough spot.

in other news, i'm seeing a new physical therapist today to get a second opinion on what i can do for my knee sans surgery.

it takes a fucking village man.

trying

trying to make peace with my belly jelly.

it's a process.

meh.

i've been buying new clothes since a good chunk of my wardrobe is either in the basement or in a donation bag because it no longer fits me.

it's going to be a summer of bralettes, jumpsuits and jean shorts. that is if summer ever comes.

               amethyst is my spirit animal

jeff has been in the bay area this week.  when he's not here i typically work all day with a break to walk the dog and have dinner.  i don't know if this is necessarily healthy but man am i on top of things at work.

walking the dog is a reminder of how far i've come with my knee injury but it still brings on lower back pain which brings on a limp which cuts our walks pretty short. i get to 1.5 miles and my knee is toast.  i still feel at a loss on what to do outside of make an appointment with an ortho and hope the first word out of their mouth isn't surgery.

recovery

well.  my anti-inflammatory diet was a bit short lived.

i went back to acupuncture yesterday and we talked about the wheat/dairy/egg white thing and while I was doing ok i've been failing at being completely off all three.  we talked a bit more about the headspace i've been in and decided that maybe because any kind of restriction on my diet feels triggering this may not be the time to cut out these things to see if they help.

i'm ok with this. 

there is this running dialogue going on in the back of my head that is unhappy with all the decisions i've been making lately.  it's muttering under its breath.  it's constantly letting me know i should be going back to my daily workouts and back to low carb diet.  it's telling me that i'm never going to fit into anything ever again if i don't listen to it.  it's like being followed by an internet troll. 

in talks with my acupuncturist and sadia i've mentioned this voice.  sometimes it's one person. sometimes it's a gaggle of people.  i say 'they'.  this ubiquitous anonymous audience who has nothing better to do than make me feel bad about myself.

"Who are these people though?" Sadia asked.  "Do you know who they are?  Are they in your life?  Why would people like this even be in your life?"

they're not.  it's me.  i say these things to myself.

working through this is a process.

in the meantime, i push that voice to the back and ask my real self what it wants.  

it wanted to cancel 90 minute spin today so it did

it wanted a biscuit today so it had it.

it feels a bit bloated right now so now it can recognize that maybe staying away from wheat may be beneficial if it does not want to feel this way.

it takes a lot of energy to really listen to yourself and figure out your shit.

somedays it's easy and things just flow and decisions feel fluid and in line with everything you are.  other days it's a real drag, every decision feels weighted and uncertain and dooming.

now that i've taken my 'super fitness' persona off of auto pilot i'm having to really listen to my body very carefully.

it's voice has been quiet and hard to hear from years of being beaten down and told to shut up and stop whining while i do squats and deadlifts and 90 minute spin classes.

i guess this is recovery.

nurturing the bruised and battered parts of us.

in other news.

there may be another tattoo in my future.

this was my 'i was dumped and lost my job in 2008' tattoo. it's also the last page of my favorite book, 'Flaming Iguanas' by Erika Lopez.

we'll see.

introvert

ugh.

i ate a boatload of tortilla chips about 3 hours ago and i am still feeling it.

bloat. uncomfortable belly bloat and this feeling like i will not be hungry again...ever.

i don't think i'll ever need to eat dinner again until the year 2050.

i'm surprised i'm not lying on the bed moaning right now.  one time i drank the entire bowl of broth after finishing an amazing bowl of ramen and instantly started to feel my fingers fatten.  my wedding band felt tight. i waddled home slowly like danny devito's rendition of the penguin in batman returns.

really, jeff should have rolled me home.

i remember lying on the bed on my back feeling like 'THIS IS HOW IT ENDS'.  ramen broth.  death by sodium.  i had done something similar before eating a giant tub of salted peanuts. i told my friend josh about said tub of nuts and announced that my skin felt unreal and 'not like mine' to which he silently shook his head and told me to stop eating things. 

I DID THIS TO MYSELF.  I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME.

on ramen death night i eventually peed and told jeff to not call my parents, i was going to live.

i am almost a ramen death status right now.  not quite there but feeling on the brink.  i set myself up for food disaster today.

i made my way through the morning rain to the gym. i was the only one who managed to make it to 7AM strength training day so i had trainer paisley all to myself which was really nice despite my initial fear that i'd have to work extra hard because no one else was there to distract her.  i can't lie that i fall to my knees during long planks or crap out on doing the last set of something if the teacher isn't looking.

blah, blah, blah you're only cheating yourself.  this ongoing fitspo dialog i have going on in my brain during some workouts is really annoying.

i stopped by the small market on fremont to pick up almond milk and coconut creamer since we were out and i'm still making an effort at eliminating dairy (despite having 2 slices of havarti cheese the day before).   i ended up grabbing some lemons too.  at check out i realized my backpack was too full of sweaty clothes and sneakers and water bottles, travel coffee mugs and a protein shakey thing with the metal ball in it.  i was that damp and sweaty girl on the floor of the beaumont market this morning unpacking her bag like a homeless person trying to fit fake milks into her backpack.  i shoved a lemon into each shoe to keep them from getting squished.

it was still raining which worked in my favor to mask my inability to stop sweating.

i set up shop at a starbucks to get some work done before my hair appointment today and realized again I became 'that' person.  the one who emptied her entire bag again and opened up her gigantic almond milk container to pour into her protein powder and then drank it before ordering anything.  the one who also asked to see the box of coconut milk they use at starbucks (carrageenan!) and then denied it and opened up her personal coconut creamer to pour into her coffee.

it wasn't until i sat down with three beverages in front of me did i realize i had forgotten i was wheat and dairy free and ordered a sausage, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.

i have a thing for sub-par breakfast sandwiches.  the jankier the better.  the best is the sausage egg mcmuffin from mcdonalds that i have not had since the morning hangover after my 30th birthday. 

i guess that's when i decided i deserved better for myself.

i let go let god and ate the stupid breakfast sandwich because there was no going back and after an hour of one-on-one training. my body was screaming at me for real food.

i typically feed it the protein shake to buy myself some time before my body starts to revolt again but this morning it was not having it.

almond milk and powder. who said this was food?

i got some work done then spent some quality time in a salon chair with my girl kaleena who i am so glad i discovered.  i have not had a regular hair person in a long time that i liked.  being a lady introvert it's always harrowing to have to find a hairdresser who is the right amount of...hairdresser.  i've suffered long uncomfortable haircuts getting bombarded with questions i did not want to answer. on occasion i've had the completely silent haircut which is slightly better but still awkward. kaleena and i can talk and then not talk.  she isn't phased if i'm quiet and we both like it when i ask her questions and she tells me her stories instead of the other way around.  it's a good balance.

par for the course i forget how long it takes to get my hair did and forgot i had a banana in the overstuffed backpack to eat and well...

this is how the tortilla chip overload happened.

i got home and scarfed down 1/2 a carnitas burrito bowl from cha cha cha and most of the gigantic bag of chips.

with guac.

man. 

i hope i pee later and feel better afterwards.

i'm back to the acupuncturist tomorrow.  i'm wondering if she'll be able to tell i'm puffier than normal. i wonder if she'll know it was chips.  i don't know why i think traditional chinese medicine means magic and telepathy.

at least my hair looks good.  

this body has survived

 the awkward catholic school years.

too many family vacations.

summer school and learning how to ask for help (work in progress). 

countless letters from suicidal teens (remind me to tell you the story about an angsty letter i wrote that was published in Rock Scene magazine in the late 80s).

weird east coast shiny avocados

 6 years of veganism and 3 years of vegetarianism

losing a lot of weight. getting lots of praise.

like featured in a magazine kind of praise.

and gaining weight to deafening silence.

 documenting all changes and labeling these changes as good or bad. 

working myself to the bone in numerous spin/pilates/circuit/yoga classes. sometimes 2-3x in a day.

wedding dress insanity.

believing in this sentiment until recently.  (you know, healthy is the new healthy.  or healthy has always been the same healthy.)

too many stressful jobs that consumed my life.

 cutting my own bangs.

knee surgery

breast reduction surgery.

logging every single workout. logging every single thing i ate every day.

rewarding myself with food.  treating depression and stress with food. celebrating with food.

being strong.

feeling weak.

two piece bathing suits in public.

too many fitness challenges.

too many early mornings

having a partner and husband who is skinnier than I am.

writing a YA novel.

Despite all of this...

i need to remember i'm still here and i've got lots to be happy about.

like these guys.

so days where all i have the energy to do is this

i know they'll be there to take care of me and love me until i'm ready to love me again.

epic

this is my standard i'm going to or coming home from working out photo.

 this tells you 2 things about me.  

#1. i'm a lazy photographer.  blurry legs ftw.  here i am in my gear waiting for the bus. 

#2. i'm ok with a photo from the waist down. for as short as they are, i like my legs.

i made it to the gym this morning.  i can't lie, it took me about 10 minutes into the warm up to be ok with being there.  after an extended gym-cation the first workout is always a mind fuck.  you know it's going to be hard. you know you're going to feel slow.  it's like going to work on a monday. you just drown yourself in caffeine and hope you'll make it through to the other side.

the thing is  i can't have coffee pre morning workout or i'll have to get up an additional 30 minutes earlier because it's a guaranteed poop. being carless i already have to get up at 5:45AM to make a 7AM class.  the plus side of spring is that it's no longer completely pitch black out when i leave the house.  just navy-black.  almost barely black. i rolled my ankle in the dark not too long ago because stray rocks on the sidewalk are not my friend.  i'm celebrating the earlier sunrise more than most normal folk.

do epic shit not take epic shit = no coffee until after circuit.  yes my phone has 2 stickers on it. One says I heart dog (singular). The second says I heart tacos (plural).

i didn't feel really ok with the fact i was sweating and moving until halfway through the first circuit station which involved an evil thing called an ab dolly along with some weighted lunges and the dreaded jump rope (in which i fake the rope and just jog in place for the entire duration).

none of these exercises i particularly like but after doing two sets i felt pretty good. i had forgotten how good it feels to move.  the back of my left knee felt sticky, like every time i had to push down into my foot to rise up and straighten my leg the tendons and ligaments in the back of my knee felt like a creaky stuck door that you need to throw your body weight on to open.  

the last station of the circuit, par for the course, i was ready to be done.  i pushed on through but creaky knee/door was at its limit.  

it wasn't until i was on the bus home did i realize i managed to avoid any mental landmines.  not one internal voice reprimanding or shaming me for not being fast enough or strong enough.  yay.  go me.

i was now free to have coffee, bowels be damned.

i explained my dairy and wheat free quest to my lovely coffee dudes at kainos and they made me a latte with a mix of hemp and soy milk which was delicious and creamy.

i'm still struggling with the idea of no cheese but at least i know my creamy coffee needs will be met. 

work deadlines abound this week but my copy of miss stanley's book arrived at my doorstep today along with my magnesium supplements and arnica oil.  my acupuncturist recommended the magnesium to help with the persistent calf tightness on my left. i recommend large doses of jessamyn stanley's instagram account for consistent mind blowing inspiration.  

the problem with getting up at 5:45AM is you want to go to bed at 5:45PM.

my brain is marzipan right now. 

exorcism

 i was supposed to go to circuit class Sunday morning but I cancelled at 7AM.

i didn't throw up but the dog was hacking up foamy goo all night and some odd residual headache was squeezing my brain.  i'm blaming the cupping/acupuncture.  my body is expelling all stored evils from my being.  i walked out of acupuncture friday feeling fuzzy and painless. i spent the rest of the weekend believing that cupping is really exorcism.

charlie's hacking eventually got better throughout the day.  our vet described his hacking as coughing with a terminal retch which seems like an accurate term to describe how i felt sunday morning.

hitting the cancel button on the mindbody app to remove myself from a class is always filled with 2 parts guilt followed by 1 part relief.

i'm working on the guilt part.

i seem to have this messed up notion that the entire world is filled with type A personalities who get up and go to the gym when they have pneumonia.  i start to tell myself that my little headache is something that needs to be conquered by excessive sweating and compound movement with heavy weights.  i start to tell myself that i'm really just lazy and one hour of lifting heavy objects and pretend jump roping won't kill me.

this is how my brain works when i stare at my phone contemplating canceling a workout.

there's a good 10-15 minutes of internal turmoil that starts with "come on! you're superhuman and can do this!  it won't be as awful as you think it will be!  your headache and lack of sleep isn't really that bad!" and then ends with "you lazy fuck.  it's like, 4% of your day. just get over yourself already, don't you want to meet your goals?"

it's not pretty.

it's the voice of someone who thinks i'm a failure.

i can rationalize that this voice is ridiculous and something i do not need to listen to.  i can sort of ignore it.  what i'm working on figuring out how do i destroy it.

because it's in my way.  

because it doesn't want me to be happy.

because no matter what i do it won't ever think i'm good enough.

i took a long hot shower and went about the task of organizing my closet and my clothes, something i started the week prior but it's a long tedious process of going through and trying things on to see what still fits me and what to keep.  the floor of my office was covered in piles of clothing with one dreaded pile of "Doesn't Fit but I'm not Ready to Give it Away".  I'm pretty sure there are  countless self help articles telling you to burn this pile because you're holding on to the past or something of the sort.

My past is littered with really fucking cute stuff though so that pile went into a garbage bag and down to the basement.

the process of trying on all my old clothes was less traumatic than i thought it would be. afterwards jeff and i went out to lunch where i scanned the menu for the wheatiest thing i could consume.  at the suggestion of my acuppunturist i'm going to attempt to eliminate wheat, egg whites and dairy from my diet for 30 days to see if that helps with inflammation.  wheat and dairy i get but the egg thing was a surprise.  she said it's the albumin which typically sets people off so egg yolks are fine.   i'm starting today and i think the saddest thing is saying goodbye to dairy.  this is surprising coming from someone who was vegan for 6 years.  

but...cheese.

i went back to cheese because...it's cheese and it's amazing.

and heavy cream in my coffee.

and cheese.

insert all varieties of sad face emojis here.

we'll see how long i'll last.  i'm trying to shut up the part of my brain that's telling me that this anti-inflammatory diet experiment is exciting because maybe i'll lose some weight!  ugh.  that voice is just as annoying as the 'gym guilt' voice.  they're like bff's set out to destroy me.

reset

i haven't worked out in 3 weeks.

the first week i was in san francisco for work.

the second week i had an identity crisis and started to question my entire fitness journey.  for most of my adult life i've yoga'd and worked out chasing the healthy lifestyle, touting health and wellness were my goals.  sometime last week something in the back of my brain crawled out of the deep dark tar pits of my soul and whispered, "it's a lie.  all of it.  you aren't chasing wellness.  you just substituted healthy for skinny to make it socially acceptable to workout 2x in one day"

this is the stuff nightmares are made out of.  at least for me.

the brain does interesting things to keep you unaware of some of the truths you wish to remain buried.

i didn't feel good.  my last workout before going to san francisco was a 90 minute circuit class.  most people i know think 90 minutes of any sort of HIIT is insane but it was a class i liked going to because it made me feel badass.  it's not like i kicked all 90 minutes in the ass.  many of those minutes i spent lying on my back out of breath cursing whatever round of torture i needed to get myself off the floor to do.  core work makes me angry.  burpees make me angry. any sort of cardio makes me angry.  I kept staring at the door.

 "I can walk out whenever I want to. I'm an adult and no one is going to stop me if I leave."

this is voluntary.  i have a choice.

i tend to forget this.  i picked my lumbering slow body off the ground and did whatever i was told to do next until the end of class.  on my way out i stopped to talk to the teacher who is probably one of the sweetest human beings on the planet.  jared asked me how it went and i was honest.

"it was horrible.  i was dragging ass the entire time.  i almost left"  i said.  "but don't get me wrong, it's not you, it was totally all me.  i just couldn't get into it this morning."

"everyone has days like this.  somedays it's just not meant to be. and seriously, 90 minutes is a long time to be doing something you're hating.  you can always leave, sometimes that's the best think you can do for yourself. "

i gave him a sweaty hug and called a lyft home.  the bus that takes me the closest to home doesn't run on weekends and after 90 minutes i wasn't going to double bus it.  the last thing i wanted was a 20 minute commute with the worst sweaty pants swamp butt.

moisture wicking my ass.

that was the last time i set foot in a gym and that was 20 days ago. 

5 of those days i had the death flu so i don't feel that bad for missing out this week but a part of me can't stop thinking...

what if i never go back?