i'm on the hunt for a therapist.

food issues. body dysmporphia. orthorexia. intimacy issues. lack of coping skills.

i'm really good at looking like i have my shit together.

a lot of my close friends will tell you i have my shit together.

some will tell you i have a superiority complex.

at times that is true depending on the people and the situation.

i am hyper self aware.

i watch my dog bark, boof (the noise he makes when he's trying not to bark) and get all around upset when a delivery truck drives by or someone parks next door.  his freak out and anxiety is something i understand to an extent.

who are you???!!  why are you here to destroy everything i love?!!!

sometimes i'm worried i'll go to therapy and be sorely disappointed that i can't make everything perfect and that it doesn't work that way.  

i know it doesn't work that way but i can't help but want it to work that way. i've read enough pema chodron to know that things will fall apart over and over again.  but i want.  that's the problem. i want and i continue to try to fix everything, even things that aren't broken. 

there's the work i need to do i guess.


i have a bad habit of getting up in the morning and immediately check my work email and eventually get sucked down the rabbit hole before i'm really even cognizant that it's a new day.  it's a hard habit to break since i've been a work from home person for the past 3.5 years.  working from home is fantastic and great in more ways than it is bad. the only real problem is for someone like me who has work boundaries.

project management is a lot of problem solving and making things happen, keeping things moving towards the end goal.  i see where a lot of my issues come from.  my life isn't a project that has a concrete end goal.  there is nothing tangible at the end of this rainbow.  when your end goal is general wellbeing you can't project manage yourself to guaranteed happiness since emotions are so fickle and based on a litany of outside forces.

what i can do is discipline myself to do the things i know that make me feel better.  

i managed to wake up and walk into my little hideaway closet/cave and meditate before doing anything.

i even took some time to read some old journals i stash in the cave.  i often like looking back at the weird shit i used to do or write.  it gives me perspective on how much i've changed and grown.

i made breakfast, not just coffee. 

then i opened my laptop.

this helps.  doing this in the morning helps and while i have a part of my brain that is telling me that checking my work email first thing helps too i need to remember that doesn't really help anyone.  

i used to post shit like this to social media.  it's really obnoxious and i'm pretty unhappy that i used to think these stupid motivational whatevers were helpful.

as someone who grew up with this mentality that no one is here to help you and you have to do everything on your own because ultimately you are the captain of your own ship, blah, blah, blah...

it's really hard to undo this kind of mindset and let people help you.  

it's really hard to trust that people are on your side and want you to succeed.

it's difficult to navigate this world thinking you have to do everything by yourself.

trust me.  i learned this lesson when i tried to carry 100 cases of wine downstairs to the lobby of my office building by myself.

i got 10 cases to the elevator before i found myself sweating, standing in the office looking at the wall of wine thinking this would take me hours and no amount of working out had trained me enough to complete this daunting task by myself.

a co-worker saw me staring at the cases in my office and asked if i was ok.

"no. i physically can't do this."

"do what?"

"get all this downstairs."

"wtf?  no one can do this!"  she laughed. "we've got a dolly and extra hands.  jesus christ girl."

this was 7 years ago.  it took 10 of us and several dollies but we got it done in 15 minutes.

operating on the impression that the world owes you no favors and that you need to work for everything is helpful while you're learning how to be independent.  you definitely appreciate everything more. 

learning how to balance that out with a healthy dose of trust and the ability to ask for help when you need it is the key.

i've gotten to the point where i realize i can ask for help and not feel so paralyzed by it.

now i just need a therapist again to help me wade through this tough spot.

in other news, i'm seeing a new physical therapist today to get a second opinion on what i can do for my knee sans surgery.

it takes a fucking village man.