recovery

well.  my anti-inflammatory diet was a bit short lived.

i went back to acupuncture yesterday and we talked about the wheat/dairy/egg white thing and while I was doing ok i've been failing at being completely off all three.  we talked a bit more about the headspace i've been in and decided that maybe because any kind of restriction on my diet feels triggering this may not be the time to cut out these things to see if they help.

i'm ok with this. 

there is this running dialogue going on in the back of my head that is unhappy with all the decisions i've been making lately.  it's muttering under its breath.  it's constantly letting me know i should be going back to my daily workouts and back to low carb diet.  it's telling me that i'm never going to fit into anything ever again if i don't listen to it.  it's like being followed by an internet troll. 

in talks with my acupuncturist and sadia i've mentioned this voice.  sometimes it's one person. sometimes it's a gaggle of people.  i say 'they'.  this ubiquitous anonymous audience who has nothing better to do than make me feel bad about myself.

"Who are these people though?" Sadia asked.  "Do you know who they are?  Are they in your life?  Why would people like this even be in your life?"

they're not.  it's me.  i say these things to myself.

working through this is a process.

in the meantime, i push that voice to the back and ask my real self what it wants.  

it wanted to cancel 90 minute spin today so it did

it wanted a biscuit today so it had it.

it feels a bit bloated right now so now it can recognize that maybe staying away from wheat may be beneficial if it does not want to feel this way.

it takes a lot of energy to really listen to yourself and figure out your shit.

somedays it's easy and things just flow and decisions feel fluid and in line with everything you are.  other days it's a real drag, every decision feels weighted and uncertain and dooming.

now that i've taken my 'super fitness' persona off of auto pilot i'm having to really listen to my body very carefully.

it's voice has been quiet and hard to hear from years of being beaten down and told to shut up and stop whining while i do squats and deadlifts and 90 minute spin classes.

i guess this is recovery.

nurturing the bruised and battered parts of us.

in other news.

there may be another tattoo in my future.

this was my 'i was dumped and lost my job in 2008' tattoo. it's also the last page of my favorite book, 'Flaming Iguanas' by Erika Lopez.

we'll see.