trying
trying to make peace with my belly jelly.
it's a process.
trying to make peace with my belly jelly.
it's a process.
i've been buying new clothes since a good chunk of my wardrobe is either in the basement or in a donation bag because it no longer fits me.
it's going to be a summer of bralettes, jumpsuits and jean shorts. that is if summer ever comes.
jeff has been in the bay area this week. when he's not here i typically work all day with a break to walk the dog and have dinner. i don't know if this is necessarily healthy but man am i on top of things at work.
walking the dog is a reminder of how far i've come with my knee injury but it still brings on lower back pain which brings on a limp which cuts our walks pretty short. i get to 1.5 miles and my knee is toast. i still feel at a loss on what to do outside of make an appointment with an ortho and hope the first word out of their mouth isn't surgery.
well. my anti-inflammatory diet was a bit short lived.
i went back to acupuncture yesterday and we talked about the wheat/dairy/egg white thing and while I was doing ok i've been failing at being completely off all three. we talked a bit more about the headspace i've been in and decided that maybe because any kind of restriction on my diet feels triggering this may not be the time to cut out these things to see if they help.
i'm ok with this.
there is this running dialogue going on in the back of my head that is unhappy with all the decisions i've been making lately. it's muttering under its breath. it's constantly letting me know i should be going back to my daily workouts and back to low carb diet. it's telling me that i'm never going to fit into anything ever again if i don't listen to it. it's like being followed by an internet troll.
in talks with my acupuncturist and sadia i've mentioned this voice. sometimes it's one person. sometimes it's a gaggle of people. i say 'they'. this ubiquitous anonymous audience who has nothing better to do than make me feel bad about myself.
"Who are these people though?" Sadia asked. "Do you know who they are? Are they in your life? Why would people like this even be in your life?"
they're not. it's me. i say these things to myself.
working through this is a process.
in the meantime, i push that voice to the back and ask my real self what it wants.
it wanted to cancel 90 minute spin today so it did
it wanted a biscuit today so it had it.
it feels a bit bloated right now so now it can recognize that maybe staying away from wheat may be beneficial if it does not want to feel this way.
it takes a lot of energy to really listen to yourself and figure out your shit.
somedays it's easy and things just flow and decisions feel fluid and in line with everything you are. other days it's a real drag, every decision feels weighted and uncertain and dooming.
now that i've taken my 'super fitness' persona off of auto pilot i'm having to really listen to my body very carefully.
it's voice has been quiet and hard to hear from years of being beaten down and told to shut up and stop whining while i do squats and deadlifts and 90 minute spin classes.
i guess this is recovery.
nurturing the bruised and battered parts of us.
in other news.
there may be another tattoo in my future.
we'll see.
ugh.
i ate a boatload of tortilla chips about 3 hours ago and i am still feeling it.
bloat. uncomfortable belly bloat and this feeling like i will not be hungry again...ever.
i don't think i'll ever need to eat dinner again until the year 2050.
i'm surprised i'm not lying on the bed moaning right now. one time i drank the entire bowl of broth after finishing an amazing bowl of ramen and instantly started to feel my fingers fatten. my wedding band felt tight. i waddled home slowly like danny devito's rendition of the penguin in batman returns.
really, jeff should have rolled me home.
i remember lying on the bed on my back feeling like 'THIS IS HOW IT ENDS'. ramen broth. death by sodium. i had done something similar before eating a giant tub of salted peanuts. i told my friend josh about said tub of nuts and announced that my skin felt unreal and 'not like mine' to which he silently shook his head and told me to stop eating things.
I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME.
on ramen death night i eventually peed and told jeff to not call my parents, i was going to live.
i am almost a ramen death status right now. not quite there but feeling on the brink. i set myself up for food disaster today.
i made my way through the morning rain to the gym. i was the only one who managed to make it to 7AM strength training day so i had trainer paisley all to myself which was really nice despite my initial fear that i'd have to work extra hard because no one else was there to distract her. i can't lie that i fall to my knees during long planks or crap out on doing the last set of something if the teacher isn't looking.
blah, blah, blah you're only cheating yourself. this ongoing fitspo dialog i have going on in my brain during some workouts is really annoying.
i stopped by the small market on fremont to pick up almond milk and coconut creamer since we were out and i'm still making an effort at eliminating dairy (despite having 2 slices of havarti cheese the day before). i ended up grabbing some lemons too. at check out i realized my backpack was too full of sweaty clothes and sneakers and water bottles, travel coffee mugs and a protein shakey thing with the metal ball in it. i was that damp and sweaty girl on the floor of the beaumont market this morning unpacking her bag like a homeless person trying to fit fake milks into her backpack. i shoved a lemon into each shoe to keep them from getting squished.
it was still raining which worked in my favor to mask my inability to stop sweating.
i set up shop at a starbucks to get some work done before my hair appointment today and realized again I became 'that' person. the one who emptied her entire bag again and opened up her gigantic almond milk container to pour into her protein powder and then drank it before ordering anything. the one who also asked to see the box of coconut milk they use at starbucks (carrageenan!) and then denied it and opened up her personal coconut creamer to pour into her coffee.
it wasn't until i sat down with three beverages in front of me did i realize i had forgotten i was wheat and dairy free and ordered a sausage, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.
i have a thing for sub-par breakfast sandwiches. the jankier the better. the best is the sausage egg mcmuffin from mcdonalds that i have not had since the morning hangover after my 30th birthday.
i guess that's when i decided i deserved better for myself.
i let go let god and ate the stupid breakfast sandwich because there was no going back and after an hour of one-on-one training. my body was screaming at me for real food.
i typically feed it the protein shake to buy myself some time before my body starts to revolt again but this morning it was not having it.
almond milk and powder. who said this was food?
i got some work done then spent some quality time in a salon chair with my girl kaleena who i am so glad i discovered. i have not had a regular hair person in a long time that i liked. being a lady introvert it's always harrowing to have to find a hairdresser who is the right amount of...hairdresser. i've suffered long uncomfortable haircuts getting bombarded with questions i did not want to answer. on occasion i've had the completely silent haircut which is slightly better but still awkward. kaleena and i can talk and then not talk. she isn't phased if i'm quiet and we both like it when i ask her questions and she tells me her stories instead of the other way around. it's a good balance.
par for the course i forget how long it takes to get my hair did and forgot i had a banana in the overstuffed backpack to eat and well...
this is how the tortilla chip overload happened.
i got home and scarfed down 1/2 a carnitas burrito bowl from cha cha cha and most of the gigantic bag of chips.
with guac.
man.
i hope i pee later and feel better afterwards.
i'm back to the acupuncturist tomorrow. i'm wondering if she'll be able to tell i'm puffier than normal. i wonder if she'll know it was chips. i don't know why i think traditional chinese medicine means magic and telepathy.
at least my hair looks good.
too many family vacations.
weird east coast shiny avocados
6 years of veganism and 3 years of vegetarianism
losing a lot of weight. getting lots of praise.
like featured in a magazine kind of praise.
and gaining weight to deafening silence.
documenting all changes and labeling these changes as good or bad.
working myself to the bone in numerous spin/pilates/circuit/yoga classes. sometimes 2-3x in a day.
believing in this sentiment until recently. (you know, healthy is the new healthy. or healthy has always been the same healthy.)
cutting my own bangs.
knee surgery
breast reduction surgery.
logging every single workout. logging every single thing i ate every day.
rewarding myself with food. treating depression and stress with food. celebrating with food.
being strong.
feeling weak.
two piece bathing suits in public.
too many fitness challenges.
too many early mornings
having a partner and husband who is skinnier than I am.
writing a YA novel.
Despite all of this...
i need to remember i'm still here and i've got lots to be happy about.
like these guys.
so days where all i have the energy to do is this
i know they'll be there to take care of me and love me until i'm ready to love me again.
i didn't feel really ok with the fact i was sweating and moving until halfway through the first circuit station which involved an evil thing called an ab dolly along with some weighted lunges and the dreaded jump rope (in which i fake the rope and just jog in place for the entire duration).
none of these exercises i particularly like but after doing two sets i felt pretty good. i had forgotten how good it feels to move. the back of my left knee felt sticky, like every time i had to push down into my foot to rise up and straighten my leg the tendons and ligaments in the back of my knee felt like a creaky stuck door that you need to throw your body weight on to open.
the last station of the circuit, par for the course, i was ready to be done. i pushed on through but creaky knee/door was at its limit.
it wasn't until i was on the bus home did i realize i managed to avoid any mental landmines. not one internal voice reprimanding or shaming me for not being fast enough or strong enough. yay. go me.
i was now free to have coffee, bowels be damned.
i explained my dairy and wheat free quest to my lovely coffee dudes at kainos and they made me a latte with a mix of hemp and soy milk which was delicious and creamy.
i'm still struggling with the idea of no cheese but at least i know my creamy coffee needs will be met.
work deadlines abound this week but my copy of miss stanley's book arrived at my doorstep today along with my magnesium supplements and arnica oil. my acupuncturist recommended the magnesium to help with the persistent calf tightness on my left. i recommend large doses of jessamyn stanley's instagram account for consistent mind blowing inspiration.
the problem with getting up at 5:45AM is you want to go to bed at 5:45PM.
my brain is marzipan right now.