i have to

i have to pee but the act of getting up to go to the bathroom is annoying and i wonder how long i can hold it and if i’d actually let myself pee myself. what’s more annoying? cleaning up after i pee myself so yeah, i have to go.

this seems to be the norm for me lately. i’ll randomly get bursts of energy and will cross 2-3 things off my task list before melting into a puddle on the floor needing to play balatro for 2 hours before i do anything else.

at some point this week i will have to go to the social security office downtown and fix whatever is up with the information they have so i can get verified to get an online account. i wonder how many hours of balatro i’ll need to play to recover from that task.

i’m not even good at the game. it’s a struggle to get past the last 2-3 rounds to win a new blind to open a new deck. the completionist in me is in it for the long haul and man is it going to be tedious because i don’t like doing math or thinking 2-3 steps ahead. this is why i am also bad at chess. i’m impatient and i don’t like having to plan out future moves based on information i don’t have yet. i would be horrible on a reality show that has strategy involved. hope is not a strategy. the road to losing is paved with good intentions.

i am not working and it’s been a balm to my soul to not be working but the productivity monster that still thrives in me has too high an armor class for me to be completely guilt free.

(someone has been listening and watching too many DND campaigns)

i journal everyday. mostly brain vomit about what i need to get done for the day and what i did the night before and reminders to do ALL my physical therapy exercises and to "go for a walk you beautiful idiot” and you’ll get a sticker as a reward. I like having habit trackers. I like coloring in the little box and at the end of the month seeing that I’ve washed my face and brushed my teeth two times a day everyday. I read some part of a book every night despite my crippling balatro addiction. one trip to jersey and i’m back on the coffee bandwagon but it’s mostly decaf lest i want my anxiety spiraling up.

my little writing group, my beautiful safe haven of people i love, still meet weekly, usually fridays, to write. we take turns leading the group and bringing poems and prompts. it’s the loveliest and purest form of joy and creative expression i have these days. painting has felt stunted and weird and i haven’t sewed or made anything since coming back from jersey in june. i’m not sure what it is but i’m letting it go letting god because the last thing i want to do is make art feel like a chore.

2 weeks in jersey was enough for me even though it wasn’t a shit show. it just was what it was. a snippit in time in a place where i grew up and for the first time in a long time i didn’t revert back to who i was back then and seemed to maintain a good chunk of who i am today. i spent time in my childhood bedroom because it had better wifi. i slept in my sister’s bedroom because her bed isn’t ancient like mine is. I sat at the kitchen table when my parents were down there and played chess on duolingo and took mental snapshots of what their life is like these days. mom needs a hearing aid and is still stubborn as all get out. people want her to stop making and bringing them food but she cannot stop her need to be useful and i wonder what it was like for her growing up, having to be useful to be loved or noticed or appreciated. not knowing she doesn’t have to prove her worth to anyone. or am i projecting? who knows. dad scrolls facebook like it’s 2008 and he’s a teenage girl. except he’s being exposed to videos that reinforce his belief that the trump vote was the right vote and well…there’s that. i am angry but i don’t know how to be angry anymore and i wonder if it’s the sertraline dosage increase to quell the post election anxiety that had me hyperventilating every time I had to get into a lyft with a white guy. the popular vote taught me how americans really feel about immigrants and LGBTQ+ folks.

i am fighting my insurance to cover a medication i need and i am not the only one. this trend is growing and i fear that we’re just living in a timeline that will produce more dead CEOs. we are not ok and the world knows it and i’m wondering when i’ll feel safe enough for international travel again. i have a small pang of worry about my trip to the SS office, even with 5 forms of identification showing myself as a citizen of this country, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

with all these big heavy things hovering over us. a genocide. losing DEI initiatives. moving backwards at an alarming rate. it’s hard to know how to exist in a place that feels so fraught. but i have to. i have to do a lot of things i don’t want to do. i think a good percentage of life is doing things you don’t want to do. i should start with going to the bathroom.