red light, green light

it’s a real red light green light situation. i want to say it’s been only recently but it’s been my whole life. start and stop and i’m not the caller but i want to be but change is hard and something i’m not good at. having to pivot. changing plane tickets, it was a real cart before the horse situation and there wasn’t a date for the funeral yet, just “he’s gone, he’s gone.” and “i’m coming. i’ll be there.” even though jersey is the last place i want to be in july.

the powers that be don’t want me to go either. there’s only one direct flight to philadelphia and it’s a red eye and the last time i took a red eye back east my stop over flight was two hours delayed at midnight and i had taken all the sleepytime drugs already and the wedding was that night and it was bad. it was all bad. and it’s well documented that i love airports and waiting rooms. i like waiting. i like being early. i like that pocket of time where i have nothing to do and nothing is expected of me. i can just exist for this amount of time with no responsibility. sitting in the doctor’s office this week i almost fell asleep in a paper gown in what can only be described as a medical easy chair, the click of a wall clock keeping me company. how could you not? after very little sleep, after whispering to charlie that we’re going to fix his leg, that he’s not broken forever, something i whispered to myself when i had knee surgery.