press your luck

when the bathroom was broken at the gym the next closest one was through a dark open space and adriana described it to someone as a “light at the end of the tunnel situation” and my brain said “aww”.

i want to experience that even though i don’t have to pee. like it would be good exposure therapy for me to experience coming out on the other side of a dark place and see that there’s a functioning toilet and light and relief. a long dark journey into light. something that tells me that it works out in the end. it’s good. it’s fine. things end and it’s ok. and that this newness on the other side might not be what i thought but it’s not bad.

to tell the truth, i don’t want things to change but it doesn’t matter what i want because everything is changing every second. every millisecond i swear i can feel myself actively decaying inside. it’s all mashed potatoes and gravy in there. no sense in white knuckling it or expending the energy to hold on to a present that isn’t mine to keep. the lawn will always need tending to. the foxtails will always come back. there will always be dishes to do and a constant stream of things to do that feel very same-same but move they move the needle forward. this is what the days are. what life is most of the time and i like living in this predictable schedule. no whammies. no whammies. stop.