because

because i could, i made coffee, my first this week, even though i know it will ruin me.

because anxiety is a battle between my brain, sertraline and caffeine

because i realize i eat my morning pills like a bunny. how are there so many?

because my sister said fish oil

because my doctor said, ‘don’t you want to get better?’

because the internet said beet root powder and tumeric and chromiium and portlanders need more vitamin d than most folks

because an army of pills holds my bones and body together

because i keep breaking things, first my knees,

the whole leg cast keeping my left leg straight. i slept downstairs for weeks. i gauged how important every shower would be. it had to be worth it if it was going to be this exhausting

because my dogs used my casted leg as a chin rest as they kept guard, like they knew i was fragile

because physical therapy only works if you do the exercises ever day

because it’s a full time job to make sure you don’t break anything else.

because your husband bought tubs of protein powder

because food is hard and time is precious and we both don’t want to die

because who would take our dogs and file our taxes and do the dishes?