unstuck

my to do list has another list underneath it. unstuck, written and underlined with a numbered list of foods.

oatmeal

avo toast

yogurt

frozen waffles

it takes a minute to remember these are things to eat so i don’t sit hungry until I’m nauseous.

i describe my food conundrums to aaron and he told me “It sounds like you throw your hands in the air and give up. you pick up your toys and say ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ and go home.”

my whole body fills with that heavy shame full feeling of being called out. i do that. i let myself get so hungry I’m nauseous and I give up and now that I’m lifting weights again my body is mad at me when it ask for a snack and i say no, i want something better but never do anything about it until i’m suffering by my own hand.

i made a vat of soup and took it to a friend’s house. it’s easier to feed other people and let myself be bathed in compliments while i subconsciously decide to wire my own mouth shut.

when i was 14 i saw someone on TV do that to lose weight and i never forgot it.

this is what adults do and i filed it away for future use.

now i make lists of foods because i need to remind myself that the only way to become unstuck is to point at something on the list and decide to start there.