i want to be lost in the algorithim of posts. leave little traces of myself that people may or may not see. a poem i liked. a statement noting my distaste for raw onions in salads but some how they end up being ok in salsa. an admittance of a disorder. i used to only let myself have 8 blueberries and 12 pistachios a day as a snack. these are things i want to leave behind. these are the things i want you to know but only if the gods of the internet decide that you should see them. are you worthy enough to know that i don't know how to make friends IRL now that i don't really like alcohol? or bars? or most people? does this intangible network want you to know that i only really like it for a day or two when jeff is gone and then i miss him so much because when he's not here i realize what parts of me are empty and hollow?
i want to give you my secrets. i want to bury them in shallow little graves that only some of you discover. like the small random toy animals jeff is unearthing in our backyard when he gardens. he brings these lost treasures inside and washes them in the sink and puts them on the window sill. the pink swan with the broken wing. the zebra with all its legs but refuses to stand up. the soldier's horse that used to be white, now pitted and brown from dirt, weathered by nature.