safety is an illusion


my brain melted last friday in my therapist's office when i came to realize that safety, real not real.

the critical voice, the one that i've been relying on to "keep me line" to "keep me safe" has been feeding me fear for as long as I can remember and while this voice had been helpful in the past (like ages 2-10) it has not served me as a full fledged adult who can make decisions that will not be my own demise.

i made my way home and my face was just...tired.  that feeling where every muscle in your face was exhausted from contorting in those ways they only contort when you're crying so hard you burst a blood vessel or two.

unfortunately we had the bone ball to go to that night and i just felt like an anxious ghost of a person.  i was sweaty and stressed out.  we brought both dogs and i was nervous as we've never taken them out at night to a thing with people and other dogs inside.  i chose a table against a wall and chose the most hidden seat behind a column.  i don't think i realized this until after the event that this was a clear example of my need to hide, to stay out of the way, to not been seen.

i was just mentally destroyed.

and saturday i completed the task and physically destroyed my body.  lifting went well. i hustled and pushed my limits, i'm at an 83 lb deadlift which for me is pretty good right now.  follow that up with a hard structural massage with lexi and i was down for the count.  my body had met my brain in that state of destruction. sunday i spent trying to put myself back together.

which meant baking a cake and watching television and letting everything truly rest.

jeff left for emeryville yesterday and the dogs and i typically cuddle up on the couch and i work while they nap.  

i still feel like i'm recovering. i made my strength workout monday morning and my dentist appt this morning but all i want to do is binge watch old Will and Grace, eat cake and ocassionally fall asleep.