it's good to have verbal diarrhea just to get the words out of me. when they're on paper i can sort of put them away for a minute and move on to something else in my life. i spent saturday with so many amazing people both at liberation barbell and at the yoga workshop at yoga nw. i did all sorts of things that brought me joy. i lifted weights. i ate a perfect avocado. i did some meditation. yoga. journaling. drawing. dancing. sweating. i came home and jeff and i made calzones and watched project runway and i slept so hard and so deep. everything about it felt delicious and nourishing and good.
that. i need more saturdays like that in my life.
the fact i have all these things i know i can do that make me feel good means i have a list of things to choose from if i'm not feeling so great about stuff.
two therapy sessions in and i think i knew this already but it still is surprising that it can get worse before it gets better. all of this work is uncomfortable. i'm eating more and i'm working at not policing myself and that is the worst of the uncomfortable feelings. the critical voice comes out and it's so much louder than it's ever been because i'm not listening to it when it tells me that carbs are going to be the death of me.
my homework this week is to eat until i'm full.
this. this is what it comes down to. eat until i'm full.
i tend to eat until i'm mostly full but not completely. not all the time but most of the time. i stop myself from really knowing what its like to be full and that's been fueling a lot of my food anxiety this week. especially after strength workout days where i feel the most ravenous, like i'll never be full. i withhold food because i feel like i should't be hungry.
'you did all this work and you're just going to negate all of it by all of this eating. you shouldn't be hungry. you had that protein shake and that yogurt. you had eggs already. you shouldn't need to eat again. other people have a protein bar and call it a day. why can't you?'
this is the voice. it's awful. it tells me that every decision i make when it comes to food is awful. i can't be trusted to feed myself correctly because look at me. i'm a fat slob.
this voice is so pervasive.
another piece of homework for this week is trying to entertain this idea that this voice is not me. i keep identifying it as me because this is my brain producing these thoughts. this is a hard one too.
there is no way around all of this if i choose to live a more authentic way. the only way is through.