exorcism

 i was supposed to go to circuit class Sunday morning but I cancelled at 7AM.

i didn't throw up but the dog was hacking up foamy goo all night and some odd residual headache was squeezing my brain.  i'm blaming the cupping/acupuncture.  my body is expelling all stored evils from my being.  i walked out of acupuncture friday feeling fuzzy and painless. i spent the rest of the weekend believing that cupping is really exorcism.

charlie's hacking eventually got better throughout the day.  our vet described his hacking as coughing with a terminal retch which seems like an accurate term to describe how i felt sunday morning.

hitting the cancel button on the mindbody app to remove myself from a class is always filled with 2 parts guilt followed by 1 part relief.

i'm working on the guilt part.

i seem to have this messed up notion that the entire world is filled with type A personalities who get up and go to the gym when they have pneumonia.  i start to tell myself that my little headache is something that needs to be conquered by excessive sweating and compound movement with heavy weights.  i start to tell myself that i'm really just lazy and one hour of lifting heavy objects and pretend jump roping won't kill me.

this is how my brain works when i stare at my phone contemplating canceling a workout.

there's a good 10-15 minutes of internal turmoil that starts with "come on! you're superhuman and can do this!  it won't be as awful as you think it will be!  your headache and lack of sleep isn't really that bad!" and then ends with "you lazy fuck.  it's like, 4% of your day. just get over yourself already, don't you want to meet your goals?"

it's not pretty.

it's the voice of someone who thinks i'm a failure.

i can rationalize that this voice is ridiculous and something i do not need to listen to.  i can sort of ignore it.  what i'm working on figuring out how do i destroy it.

because it's in my way.  

because it doesn't want me to be happy.

because no matter what i do it won't ever think i'm good enough.

i took a long hot shower and went about the task of organizing my closet and my clothes, something i started the week prior but it's a long tedious process of going through and trying things on to see what still fits me and what to keep.  the floor of my office was covered in piles of clothing with one dreaded pile of "Doesn't Fit but I'm not Ready to Give it Away".  I'm pretty sure there are  countless self help articles telling you to burn this pile because you're holding on to the past or something of the sort.

My past is littered with really fucking cute stuff though so that pile went into a garbage bag and down to the basement.

the process of trying on all my old clothes was less traumatic than i thought it would be. afterwards jeff and i went out to lunch where i scanned the menu for the wheatiest thing i could consume.  at the suggestion of my acuppunturist i'm going to attempt to eliminate wheat, egg whites and dairy from my diet for 30 days to see if that helps with inflammation.  wheat and dairy i get but the egg thing was a surprise.  she said it's the albumin which typically sets people off so egg yolks are fine.   i'm starting today and i think the saddest thing is saying goodbye to dairy.  this is surprising coming from someone who was vegan for 6 years.  

but...cheese.

i went back to cheese because...it's cheese and it's amazing.

and heavy cream in my coffee.

and cheese.

insert all varieties of sad face emojis here.

we'll see how long i'll last.  i'm trying to shut up the part of my brain that's telling me that this anti-inflammatory diet experiment is exciting because maybe i'll lose some weight!  ugh.  that voice is just as annoying as the 'gym guilt' voice.  they're like bff's set out to destroy me.

reset

i haven't worked out in 3 weeks.

the first week i was in san francisco for work.

the second week i had an identity crisis and started to question my entire fitness journey.  for most of my adult life i've yoga'd and worked out chasing the healthy lifestyle, touting health and wellness were my goals.  sometime last week something in the back of my brain crawled out of the deep dark tar pits of my soul and whispered, "it's a lie.  all of it.  you aren't chasing wellness.  you just substituted healthy for skinny to make it socially acceptable to workout 2x in one day"

this is the stuff nightmares are made out of.  at least for me.

the brain does interesting things to keep you unaware of some of the truths you wish to remain buried.

i didn't feel good.  my last workout before going to san francisco was a 90 minute circuit class.  most people i know think 90 minutes of any sort of HIIT is insane but it was a class i liked going to because it made me feel badass.  it's not like i kicked all 90 minutes in the ass.  many of those minutes i spent lying on my back out of breath cursing whatever round of torture i needed to get myself off the floor to do.  core work makes me angry.  burpees make me angry. any sort of cardio makes me angry.  I kept staring at the door.

 "I can walk out whenever I want to. I'm an adult and no one is going to stop me if I leave."

this is voluntary.  i have a choice.

i tend to forget this.  i picked my lumbering slow body off the ground and did whatever i was told to do next until the end of class.  on my way out i stopped to talk to the teacher who is probably one of the sweetest human beings on the planet.  jared asked me how it went and i was honest.

"it was horrible.  i was dragging ass the entire time.  i almost left"  i said.  "but don't get me wrong, it's not you, it was totally all me.  i just couldn't get into it this morning."

"everyone has days like this.  somedays it's just not meant to be. and seriously, 90 minutes is a long time to be doing something you're hating.  you can always leave, sometimes that's the best think you can do for yourself. "

i gave him a sweaty hug and called a lyft home.  the bus that takes me the closest to home doesn't run on weekends and after 90 minutes i wasn't going to double bus it.  the last thing i wanted was a 20 minute commute with the worst sweaty pants swamp butt.

moisture wicking my ass.

that was the last time i set foot in a gym and that was 20 days ago. 

5 of those days i had the death flu so i don't feel that bad for missing out this week but a part of me can't stop thinking...

what if i never go back?